Halloween 2025: Day 20

The VelociPastor

“Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different?”

“You’re not that different, Doug. There are plenty of men like that in the church.”

A priest has a crisis of faith when his parents are killed, gains the power to turn into a velociraptor, and saves a sex worker from a mugger. Together, they fight crime.

I can’t really call this a good film, since ironic racism or misogyny is still racism or misogyny and it does an uncomfortable amount of “we’re laughing at these problematic tropes, not with them.” However, it is very fun and only drags a little bit in the middle.

Dracula 3000

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas? All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda and dreamed about your snow-white ass?”

What if the alien from Alien was a dracula who turned people into draculas instead of impregnating them with aliens?

I could have saved us some pain by remembering what I thought of this last time around instead of getting carried away by briefly seeing Erika Eleniak in The Blob (1988) and queueing this up. All of the characters are unlikable and the acting is bad but not entertainingly so.

While wildly misogynist and racist, it doesn’t even have the grace to be properly sleazy. We get sexually menacing Black men, useless women who are belittled by the men, and no nakedness from anyone? (I’d even settle for a Casper Van Dien shower scene.)