The Nightmare Before Christmas: Dracula 3000

From the depths of my Netflix queue.

Live reactions:

  • Long, cheap-looking opening credits. Padding the running time, are we? Not a good sign.
  • Hey, look, it's Udo Kier. He played Dracula once.
  • But this time he's a hapless, cross-clutching victim.
  • 50 years later...
  • We have a crew exposited at us by voiceover. From Captain Abraham Van Helsing. Oh, this is going to be so bad.
  • The navigator always takes point when exploring abandoned ships.
  • Tiny Lister jumps out at Mina and scares her. Because jump scares are great.
  • Then after taking off his helmet to test the air (possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen, since they both take their helmets off at the same time) he forces a kiss on her. Is this supposed to be endearing, or make us root for the vampire?
  • I've changed my mind about who I want Dracula to kill first. Coolio showed up, and he is irritating as. Nonconsensual kiss dude can wait.
  • We keep seeing flashbacks to Udo Kier's video logs, for no apparent reason. The crew of the new ship does not appear to be finding them.
  • He keeps going on about his crew being affected by some epidemic.
  • So they find a corpse and immediately start bickering like schoolchildren. Well, I say "start"; really, that's the only thing that they do in the way of interpersonal interaction. I hate them all and I want them to die.
  • Van Helsing recognizes the symbol he's clutching as a crucifix, something that's been outlawed for over 200 years.
  • Pothead Coolio continues to irritate, but he's exploring the ship with Tiny so maybe we'll get a twofer on death.
  • Something weird happens involving uncoupling.
  • Coolio cuts his hand opening a coffin (looking for drugs). This should work for resurrecting ze vampire.
  • Ooh, ominous shot of the blood dripping onto a powdery substance.
  • Now Van Helsing finds the video log, but he only sees a few seconds (where Udo talks about moving remains from Transylvania Station to the Carpathian Galaxy.)
  • Coolio's down, but not out. No talking is a win.
  • And now he's a vampire, threatening to rape people. The lack of talking did not last nearly long enough.
  • Aurora should have shot him well before she did. Even though it wouldn't work, she didn't know that. But we have to stretch that running time.
  • Dracula is wearing the collar! This is ridiculous.
  • When the vampires attack they use a slow-mo effect. I think the filmmakers watched Queen of the Damned and said, "Hey, we can do something that looks shittier than that."
  • Aurora returns and gives us some exposition about "Him".
  • Oh, he's Count Orlock, not Dracula.
  • And now it's the Carpathian System, not Galaxy. Way to keep things straight, movie.
  • Van Helsing ties her up in case she's been bitten, since it seems curious that Orlock would let her go unmolested.
  • Tiny is left to guard her, and proves that he's not completely driven by stupidity and horniness when he won't let her out even though she says she'll let him search her body for bite marks.
  • Exposition! Orlock is Dracula, van Helsing's ancestor fought him, Orlock will probably be getting his vengeance on.
  • Tiny is dumb enough to let Coolio in the room.
  • Coolio is dumb enough to let Tiny stake him in the heart with a pool cue, though not before we have to listen to more of his dumb-ass excuse for acting.
  • Aurora is a robot infiltrator, which explains why Orlock didn't bite her. Though not why she was suddenly so eager to strip down in front of the crew.
  • Disenable. This dude just said disenable. I'm slowly losing the will to live.
  • Van Helsing and Aurora sloooowly open more coffins, planning to stab any vampires within. Once they find one, they stop to discuss whether they should stab it. Argh.
  • Orlock attacks, and when Aurora runs to get Tiny he refuses to open the door, having learned from Coolio (though not from her revelation that she's a fucking robot and can't be turned into a vampire.)
  • Random eyebrow twitches are kind of like acting.
  • Orlock offers to cure crippled pilot dude by turning him into a vampire. He's weak and will probably take him up on it.
  • Van Helsing's been turned into a vampire! That I did not expect. I thought final two would be him and Aurora, not Tiny and Aurora. I mostly approve of this, if Tiny weren't a creepy sexual harasser.
  • After staking him and a female vampire (in the stomach, which is surprisingly effective) our remaining "heroes" head back.
  • Aurora stabs pilot dude with a crucifix, even though she didn't have any reason to believe he was a vampire.
  • Orlock goes through a lot of coffins. That's the second time he's blown the lid to smithereens.
  • They lock him out and set a path toward a star. They might die, but they're taking Orlock with them.
  • Aurora reveals that she used to be a pleasure bot and wants to jump Tiny's bones for the two hours they have left. I hate them both, and I'm glad they're dying.
  • For no narrative reason whatsoever, the ship blows up. (Okay, Udo's recording tells us that he set the ship to blow, but that was 50 years ago and our "heroes" have already saved the day; there's no reason to steal their two hours of humping from them. Unless the filmmakers hate the characters too. Hmm.)

Post-movie postmortem: This movie reinforced my hatred of humanity, which did not need reinforcement. It's bad. Don't watch it. There's not even any good eye candy, really; Erika Eleniak is wearing too much, and Casper Van Dien is the epitome of bland.

One star.