The Nightmare Before Christmas: The Covenant

Ah, The Covenant. Five pretty but otherwise unremarkable actors, one horrible script, and all of the horrible cheap CGI you could want.

Live reactions:

  • "No one really knows how The Power came to be." You remind me of a man.
  • The rest of the credit sequence is no better. More silly exposition, then a generic rock song while we cut in different crops of a few woodcuts and highlight relevant passages in a fake book.
  • If all your friends jump off a cliff, would you? If you're a member of a witch boy band, yes.
  • Wow, the CGI for the jump effect is really bad.
  • Evidently our group of four unusually attractive and witchily endowed boys are known as the "Sons of Ipswich." Really keeping a low profile, there.
  • "You know, my grandma's name is Sarah." Great pick-up line.
  • When the police bust the party, the boys continue to keep a low profile by flashily using their powers as much as possible.
  • The Sons of Ipswich are not a boy band; they're the descendants of five families who founded Ipswich.
  • Except there are four of them, because one of the families was supposedly destroyed during the Salem trials. I'm sure the fifth isn't the new guy that just showed up in town.
  • Shower scene!
  • If I were suspicious that something weird was going on in the spacious dorm bathroom, I would totally lean down and look under the stall door.
  • Ascending sounds like a big deal.
  • I just saw a darkling. (ed. note: darklings are never explained, just referenced a couple of times)
  • Evidently all of the students hang out at the pharmacy.
  • Why are these two driving out into the middle of the woods alone?
  • Ah, it's so the crazy caretaker can shoot at them.
  • And so we can see a shriveled old man in an armchair, whose presence is not explained.
  • Our charming bunch of protagonists take bets on what underwear a girl is wearing, and then flip her skirt up to check. Go team good guys!
  • Calling magic "using" just doesn't work out. "It's not right using on each other."
  • Shower scene again, but this time it's not a horror shower scene, it's an excuse to strip the clothes off of the attractive male leads. Again.
  • In a shocking twist, the new guy that isn't one of the Sons of Ipswich demonstrates that he can "use". And then starts being really creepy.
  • Dun dun dun! Chase's adoptive parents died on his 18th birthday.
  • I wonder if he's a descendant of the fifth family. Nah, couldn't be.
  • Oh, Chase is a descendant of the fifth family. What a shock.
  • Okay, I haven't been saying much about the acting, but his first lines as a revealed villain are delivered so horribly...it's kind of awesome. 
  • The writing is nothing to write home about either. "Come to save little Ms. Muffet, have we? Well, you're too late. A spider came and sat down beside her and frightened Ms. Muffet away!"
  • Yes, when I confront an evil witch with telekinetic powers, I always get going as fast as possible and ride directly at him on my motorcycle.
  • My sisters point out (they're tracking background details better than I am) that Sarah has a private bathroom in her dorm room, making the earlier shower scene in the ridiculously spacious communal shower even dumber.
  • "You keep her in that spell and she'll die." That's kind of the point, dumbass. 
  • Okay, so there's this scene where Chase is lying on top of Caleb and explaining how Caleb needs to will him his powers or Chase will kill Sarah, and it was so homoerotic I said "now...kiss". And Chase did!
  • I'm beginning to suspect that Chase just wants Caleb's powers so he will have something of Caleb's inside him.
  • So much exposition, but it boils down to: magic is addictive, using too much magic ages and then kills you, and willing your power to someone else is verboten. Which means our hero's dad (the withered old man from earlier) will do it.
  • The magic fights just look like they're throwing spunk-water at each other. 
  • After an interminable spooging, Caleb's father wills him his power so the fight scene can end by Caleb hitting Chase with a massive ball that (for some reason) goes right through him and then pulls him into the barn and then he implodes. I think.
  • Nope, he's just vanished. I can't believe they put sequel-bait in this film.

Post-movie postmortem: Do not go into this film expecting anything in it to be good. Still, there's a lot of fun to be had laughing at all of the bits that are supposed to be serious.

Two stars.