The Nightmare Before Christmas: Slither

Today's selection comes to you courtesy of the Whedon alumnus in the lead and my sister's insistence that she can't watch Evil Dead II before she's seen The Evil Dead. She gets like that sometimes, but in this case I think having to suffer through Slither is penance enough.

  • Ooh, pretty meteor.
  • The establishing montage shows a perfectly normal small town filled with decay and hate. And a mayor whose favourite word is "cocksucker."
  • Ooh, pretty teacher.
  • Michael Rooker acting salacious may be the most terrifying sight of the month.
  • Poke the gross thing with a stick. (That's what she said.)
  • The x-ray effect after the spiny blob shoots him is ridiculous.
  • So far he's not doing anything particularly weird, except for being slightly less of a disgusting pig.
  • Well, buying a ton of raw meat and installing a lock on an interior door is kind of weird.
  • Shower scene. How cliche.
  • Now with 100% more chestbursting tentacles.
  • Bill is in lurve with the married teacher, but her husband is a possessed jerk so it will probably work out.
  • Silence intensifies. The sexual tension is palpable. You can touch it with your palps.
  • The next scene is clearly tentacle rape.
  • More raw meat. I suspect zombie-like shenanigans will occur.
  • Couldn't you break into the locked room with the nice policemen who heightened your suspicions, instead of sending them away first?
  • No, because then they would be there when your husband attacks you and the distressed-woman-in-peril scene might be shorter. 
  • 3 days later the mayor is convinced that Grant's tentacular deformity and insanity are the results of Lyme disease. This seems entirely plausible.
  • Chekhov's grenade.
  • Grant is even more tentaculous now.
  • Assume a spherical Brenda...
  • Lots of slithering. And rape. A rape-like substance.
  • Bathtub scene. Teenage girl. Phallic thing slithering up the middle. This movie is not shy about its rape metaphors.
  • But I think she might fight it off.
  • Yep.
  • The rest of the family is not so lucky.
  • Creepy little girls. Check.
  • Yeah, just throw the gun away. You won't need that again.
  • Oh, and Bill drops his. Good going, Castle.
  • My sister is advocating flamethrowers to deal with the situation.
  • It's an alien disease. Parasite. Thing.
  • This is a fascinating life form, really. They should murder it as soon as possible.
  • Unexpectedly, the grenade failed.
  • Just to keep things fair and balanced, it's Bill's turn to get raped.
  • But fire worked. Yay, fire!

Post-movie postmortem: I don't have any specific complaint, but monster movies aren't really my thing and I found it kind of boring. Elizabeth Banks is pretty and Nathan Fillion is rugged and handsome and that's about it.

Two stars.